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I have quite a few friends. With all of them I attempt to be unpretentious. With about five I really am. I like to think. Somehow I more often talk to people I barely know about philosophy, math etc than with those I would call my "friends". Why? Am I somehow less...me around my friends? are these people my friends at all?

Okay, I'll try to be more rational now, not asking so many questions. There are perhaps five people in my life who I would say know me well. No, that's wrong. There are a few dozen. Somehow I get the idea that unless I have been through something disturbing, bothersome, heartbreaking, or mildly frightening with you, I don't really know you. Of course, I am wrong (all too familiar words.). A lot of people I feel like I know them, I laugh with them, I talk with them, I love them, yet somehow...I don't know them as well as I'd like to. To me there seem to be two groups of friends: Those who can tell me they feel like crap, and those who will tell me their fine. The question is: Is the latter group a true friend? yes, I think so, but most certainly not as close a friend.

Okay, I've given up trying to be professional, mildly interesting to anyone else, or anything else that isn't me on this blog. I just like to talk, and if no one listens, that's fine with me. I just need to say what's in my head.

With different people I act different ways, I say different things, I even think in a different mode. The reason for this is that I don't want to say or do something that would be boring, uncomfortable, or mean to THAT person, whoever it might be. We all do this, to an extent. It's been said that when you're talking to a friend you're one way, but when another one of your friends enters, the entire dynamic changes. The question is though...if I am tailoring myself to you, to make you feel comfortable, and you are tailoring yourself to me...are either of us making each other comfortable? Man, that's a stupid question.

Okay, what I really want to say is that with some people I can be loud and obnoxious, with some people I'm quiet and more observant and more of a thinking person. Both are me, but I think I like the latter me better. Is that wrong?

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2 comments:

Art said...

I've been thinking alot about similar things. When I attempt to give people a balanced or rosy picture of myself, I fail. No, I don't think it's wrong to prefer one side of yourself.

But perhaps the goal should be to forget ourselves as we seek to do what would please God most? When I decide not to argue about philosophy at the dinner table out of consideration for those around me, I'm not being dishonest to myself. Or if I am, it doesn't matter. Why focus on "being myself" when I could seek becoming who my Savior wants me to be?

-Becka

Daughter of the King said...

I have run through the same line of reasoning dozens of times but I always tend to return to the two questions.
1. Does anyone really know who I am?
and
2. Do I know who am?
Usually, the answer to second is no, which leaves me with a complete inability to solve the former. Then I just remember that Christ does, and for all the head aches I cause myself and everyone else, He loves me anyway.