This blog is not updated often enough. This blog often has typos in it because I post too quickly. If you follow it, you won't be bothered too often.
RSS

I need a title.

I feel alone. As if an inner circle of my friends has begun to move away from me, and left me behind. I don't think that's right. I don't think that's true. But some of me does. I feel empty. I don't know who I am, but I feel like this isn't it. Who I am changes from day to day, depending on how close I am to who I am supposed to be. I'm afraid that I am beginning to change, and that my friends (you people) will stick together and I will slip away. I am afraid of becoming less interesting.
I tell myself that I should read more, or think more. That I haven't been thinking and that people won't like that. That I ought to post meaningful blog posts because then people won't forget about me. People I haven't seen in months. I would like to believe that the reason I feel so alone and empty like this is because I have invested in you people, that you all hold a part of me that I cannot "call into action" on my own. But that is not it. ("That is not what I meant at all") The truth is that I see Orual growing inside me. I see a love-hungry monster angry that the people he claims he loves are so connected to one another outside of him. I need God. What I need right now is to need to need God. And I do.
I identify with all I've read recently on Micah's blog, and Hayleys blog, and Rebecca's poem. But I don't post on any of them. Because writing on Micah's "a Confession" post that I feel exactly the same way seems too repetitive. Micah, you always seem to write (more eloquently) the things that run through, or consume my head. I need to get down to business with my ReCAP homework though, like the three day novel at its outset, it feels an impossible and far off achievement. I need to get rid of facebook. It's impossible to say how much it makes sense, Hayley, living at the library.
I understand Rebecca's often fear of being "left out" of things, I feel it now. I wonder, why am I writing this post? I know that I mean all of it entirely. But is it like a theorem in Number Theory that it can have two meanings, or purposes. Is my other purpose directly conflicting with the first one? Am I writing this to be noticed? To remind people not to forget about me? To feed this monster?
Once again in writing a blog post I have so confused myself in my motives that I am unsure about any motive at all. Now I want to post it to post it. Because former me had a good reason. Probably. A question for those with bad memories: how much should I trust me former self? (I saw Momento, after all!)
I would like to end this post in a way that makes sense. And perhaps other people don't really write their posts like this. Do you guys have a better method? I don't want to ask that question because it may be all someone talks about if they post a comment. Do you ever think like that? I suppose normal people think about their posts while they're writing them, instead of typing what they think about their post.
My mind is as clouded as its ever been. I went to bed last night with some many selfish thoughts running through my head it felt like I was standing (or lying) in a crowd. God, I need you to make me desire you above all.

I whine too much.

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • RSS

5 comments:

Micah E. said...

I can relate to this, I feel like this sometimes. I felt like this on Friday, because I couldn't go to CFC.

And, I don't think you should worry about being repetitive. I revealed something of myself in A Confession, but until I know that you have also experienced the same thing, how can I use my confession to better relate to you? As Lewis says, just focus on telling the truth and don't worry about originality. I'm always slightly surprised (in parts pleasantly and in parts unsure) when I find that you can relate to what I write. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

Art said...

"I see a love-hungry monster angry that the people he claims he loves are so connected to one another outside of him."

I feel the same way sometimes. Ugh, why do I ever let myself be jealous?

"Is my other purpose directly conflicting with the first one? Am I writing this to be noticed? To remind people not to forget about me? To feed this monster?"

I have wondered this as well, about myself.

Hum. I don't have any easy answers for you, and I wish I could explain why I don't feel like this right now or anymore...I don't know if it's just a passing mood (though that sounds callous :P)?

Well, do know that I pray for you every time I think of you.

[mc] said...

...so that's how it is.

I am envious of your ability to identify what you found wrong with yourself..even though you think it's cloudy, it makes more sense than it seems.
People ask me 'what's wrong with you?' or 'how are you?' quite often..and I stop to think...and can never quite figure it out.

can I say it, though? "I relate to this post." Incredibly so. I'm sorry, Michael.

Elizabeth said...

YES! I feel like this too!

Who I am changes from day to day, depending on how close I am to who I am supposed to be. I'm afraid that I am beginning to change, and that my friends (you people) will stick together and I will slip away. I am afraid of becoming less interesting.

I'm afraid of feeling less interesting too, that everyone will just forget about me, blah blah, blah, and I'm head under the water in self-pity. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has thought like this.

The thing is, I never think of other people like that. I think of Rebecca, and Micah, Hayley, you, and it's just like "Heh, they're always "in" with everyone and eachother, and I'm always trying to be in, or am in, but not in so much that I can't be out in." Yes, it's an awful thought.

I think I've realized though, that I can't act like someone else, to try to be more interesting. I just have to be me. The question is: are your friends accepting you just because you act like a cool, interesting person, or because you're just you.

I have to tell my self to quite trying to be liked and just be me. Thanks for being honest in this blog post, Michael. :-)

the caitlin-bird said...

I feel this too. And it bothers me that i can't stop thinking about wanting others to accept me, to like me, to talk with me.

And it doesn't help that people email less when school starts.

But then again I'm unsure whether wanting community and acceptance is wrong; am i really being selfish or just needy? My motives are so confused that I doubt everything...

How in the world am i supposed to trust God when I've learned to doubt every other relationship? I imagine His disgust with me coursing through my veins and I have no clue what to do to please Him. I know I need Him.

Cloudy. Foggy. Cold.

It was so much easier to know what's real at Wheatstone. The lies didn't stand a chance.

Elizabeth... "I think of Rebecca, and Micah, Hayley, you, and it's just like "Heh, they're always "in" with everyone and each other, and I'm always trying to be in, or am in, but not in so much that I can't be out in." "

Totally. It's as if i can't understand they're human, too.

ugh.