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"You would not have been calling to me unless I had been calling to you."

I feel ripped apart from something I've never been held to
Some knowledge has passed to me that not all is well,
that this isn't how things are supposed to be.
I long for to be united, or not . . . united . . . but reunited.
But reunited to what I have never really known
This isn't what I meant to say at all,
it's better.
It's what is truly inside me,
what I meant to say is what I told myself this was about, but it's not.
Is this bare-faced?
Oh, to be real, to be seen as I am, to see myself as I am!
How wonderful! It is the first step toward unity.
To be united with something as real as You, I must be real myself!
Can cloth be sewn to dust?
Can a vine be grafted with a weed?
You are making me a vine,
But oh! do hurry!
How much more can I stand wanting to be a vine before I seek to be grafted to something else?
anything else to end this longing!
Now I am held to you imperfectly.
The beginning of unity does not relieve the desire for it, but only intensifies it.
Perhaps I cannot really want to be with you until you force me into it
To want to be real, I have to begin to be real.
Oh! This longing could not have started unless you had longed for me first!
What perfection is this?

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Eternity in their words.

Ah! To think! a discussion, a passing of words, a connection of eyes, sitting quietly in council, is this not a battlefield? This, this is where lives are lost or won, where one lets down one's shield of certainty, of dogmatism, and says "Here I am, take me!"

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This part is called "being stupid" . . . again. And resolutions.

In typical self-referential fashion, I am going to tell you a story of "Michael does something stupid" and then say something that will hopefully force me to hold to my new years resolution (read two books each month). So, first, the story.


I was at a homeschooling conference and I saw this girl with a buzzed haircut. I thought she looked awesome. At first I wasn't going to tell her this, in case she had cancer. Then eventually I must have forgotten why I had thought better of telling her that her hair looked awesome, so I did. So, I pass by her in an exhibit hall and quickly stop to say that I think her hair looks awesome, and probably not everyone could swing that, but she totally does. She says thanks and laughs. I say "I didn't want to tell you in case you had cancer or something" and then she says "well, I did." . . . yeah.

Okay, so I haven't finished any books so far this month and there are only a few days left! Ask me about it after the month is over, hopefully I will make it. (I'm thinking of finishing "the sickness unto death" and "to the lighthouse", we'll see how that goes.)

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