This blog is not updated often enough. This blog often has typos in it because I post too quickly. If you follow it, you won't be bothered too often.
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What I've been thinking

If you came this way,

Taking any route, starting from anywhere,

At any time or at any season,

It would always be the same: you would have to put off

Sense and notion. You are not here to verify,

Instruct yourself, or inform curiosity

Or carry report. You are here to kneel

Where prayer has been valid. And prayer is more

Than an order of words, the conscious occupation

Of the praying mind, or the sound of the voice praying.

And what the dead had no speech for, when living,

They can tell you, being dead: the communication

Of the dead is tongued with fire beyond the language of the living.

From "Little Gidding" by T. S. Eliot

I've missed T. S. Eliot. Or more rightly, I hadn't realized I missed him until I came back to him. The more I read his poetry, the more seriously I consider it, and the less I seem to understand it, and the more lovely it becomes. I'm not sure I really have much to say about the poem, or this portion of the poem, but I think it's wonderful, and you should read it, and think about it.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be an individual human being before God. Being unreservedly yourself before God changes more how you are unreservedly yourself before other people, God already knows you.

What have you been "getting into" recently? (and I don't ask carelessly)

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"You shouldn't think what you're feeling."

I rush through things. I read books quickly, don't stop till I'm finished. I stop and think when my thoughts cloud my reading so much that I can't go on. Only when I am drowned in thought do I sit down to digest them, consider them, examine them. I don't go out of my way to examine one thought. I wait until I have a dozen, and then sift through them trying to make sense of it all.


Wouldn't it be easier if I took thoughts one at a time? If I let life come to me slowly, and I was patient enough to listen and think? If . . . if I was patient enough to question everything, to go into the room of all that I throw out of my head, to stare in the face what I avoid thinking about.

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Where I am

This morning I got up far too late. In fact, I got up to take the trash out and then when back to bed. I was wasting time, and I knew it. I wasted time all morning. I knew I wasn't looking about where I was. I wasn't doing work, and my mental idea of the place around me was dingy and unclear.


This afternoon, or the beginning of this afternoon I began to really look around me. I picked up my school books that have lain dormant these few days and worked. I sat by the kitchen table and looked out the window, felt the breeze and the sound of where I was. (Where I am)

Since getting back from Wheatstone, I've had a mixture of all sorts of those processes. I was glad to have the rest of Saturday to relax, attempt to surf (with miserable consequences), swim, and mostly sit on the beach thinking far too much about the morning.

Sunday was mostly a day of airports. Airports and more thinking. Mostly happy thinking and remembering of the week. I love airports. I had an hour of waiting. I posed on all the elevators, went on unnecessary elevators to pose some more. I used a pay phone for the first time in my life (it was a week of new experiences). I walked with distinct swagger, feeling absurd.

Now . . . since then . . . I've wondered how to integrate myself back into my life, back into my place. So far I've been mostly failing. The last few days have been success mixed with failure, with a lot of apprehension thrown in. This afternoon, though, I think I'm beginning to find where I am. Find out . . . how I can love my place, and work diligently in it.

Also . . . I think I am seeing Christianity (in the strictest terms of what it means, the real thing, not our conceptions of it) transform my life in completely unnoticeable ways.

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You shall love.

"Only when it is a duty to love, only then is love eternally secured against every change, eternally made free in blessed independence, eternally and happily secured against despair. However joyous, however happy, however indescribably confident instinctive and inclinational love, spontaneous love, can be in itself, it still feels precisely in its most beautiful moment the need to establish itself, if possible, more securely." -Works of Love. Søren Kierkegaard.

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