"Go, go, go, said the bird"
I'm beginning to feel dissatisfied, discontent. I'm looking at these things that have given me so much joy, these ideas . . . these realities. Thinking about love, God's love for me, my love for people and their love for me . . . it feels gray, dim, small, not enough. I think I am beginning to want more understanding.
I feel somehow as if I've "lost" some kind of knowledge of the reality of God, and the reality of hope and faith that has made my life meaningful. Things seem less meaningful. But, I don't think I have lost understanding, I don't think I've lost what I know. I think I am beginning to crave more understanding. Meaning . . . that I have lain too satisfied with the understand I've had for too long. I haven't sought to understand the glory of God, the glory of the world, the beauty of life more. I've been too content where I am. I've stop searching for a bit and now it's beginning to get to me.
I am reminded that my understanding is incredibly small. I had begun to think I knew something, and now I'm thrown into a pit of nothingness, an un-understanding. A disillusionment with my own knowledge and my own understanding. I don't want this to sound like I have been "leaning on my own understanding" because that isn't what I mean . . . I mean that I've been thinking and believing too smally, too contentedly.
(and now as I'm writing this I'm worrying about being too interested in expressing this and forgetting its reality, or expressing for expression rather than for honesty and reality)
I think a part of this disconnect, this grayness may have something to do with losing sight of the unity of everything. I need to be reminding that the God-relationship is essential to everything, that God is essential to everything, that he is at the root of everything. From this dimness of understanding I've looked right at the love of God and thought "isn't there more? Isn't there something that goes behind all of this and makes it meaningful?" I am not tortured by this, because I haven't been asking it in real earnestness (at least not yet), I realize quickly enough the failure is not in Gods love and the meaning behind it, but rather in my understanding and in the smallness of my mind.
Some part of me is worried (or excited?) that I will not see it, will not see any of the unity of God's meaning until the end, until I am dead and raised again (following after Christ), and partially that is true. But! . . . we understand in levels, degrees. I'm not really sure if I've got down a level, or simply become unsatisfied with the level I am in. I want it to the latter.