I'd like to reject the entire idea of moderation. I have a distaste for it. Why not live everything to the most extreme? The utmost! But then perhaps what I would call the "utmost" is only "utmost" in the most human and basic sense. The ideal, the spiritually utmost may look completely different. I haven't the foggiest idea.

I've been thinking about the church. Recently my thought process (due, in no small measure, to Soren Kierkgaard, but also due to other things) has been focused on the . . . individuals relationship with God. How that is the center of my life (and of yours). We are all alone with God, individual human beings in relation with God. I'm afraid I have forgotten, a bit, about the unity of fellowship with believers. How much can different people be united? How can another person be grafted into my . . . existence before God? And how can I be grafted into theirs? I have been very lonely of late. I haven't been communing with people, and I see its effect on me. I miss my friends. I think . . . part of me believes that I am not yet enough of an individual to be able to have fellowship with others. How can I possibly be united with others when I find that I need them? I think I am wrong to think that. And I do need others. How can other people help me in my relationship with God? (How can I help them?) So . . .the church. The fellowship of believers, the communion of the saints. I miss you.

This loneliness. This foolishness of thinking my journey to be with God is a solitary one . . . has done the exact opposite of its supposed purpose. I see myself losing ground on honesty, on . . . reality of being. I need people to remind me of the beauty and loveliness of God, and to help me to love God.

What I've been up to: I'm taking an ethics class at a community college. I will write more about it some other time, but suffice it to say . . . it's interesting, and gives me a whole new idea of talking with people who completely disagree with my baselines of thought.

I'm taking an online New Testament Greek class, which has really been quite fun. There is, of course, boring rules mixed with the interesting ones. Language is confusing. It's a lot of work, but I don't mind so much, as long as I have the time to do it.

I work on Saturdays and Sundays at a convenience store and meat shop down the street from my house. I've begun thinking about . . . the Sabbath, and what I must do to keep it, or . . . what keeping it means. I wonder if I should not work on Sundays. In addition to this job, I also work on Wednesday mornings, and volunteer on Tuesday nights. Add all the school work I am doing . . . and I feel like I need a Sabbath day, that . . . this sabbath may be more than just a order for me to obey, but a provision for my stamina. I have to think and read about it more.

Shocking revelation: I am not currently reading a Soren Kierkegaard book. Right now it's all Lewis and cummings. And I admit . . . I miss him.


Art said…
"I'm afraid I have forgotten, a bit, about the unity of fellowship with believers." Mmm, yeah. I've been thinking this, too. Sometimes, I have to be patient about being where I am. And other times, I have to seek out people to connect with.

There's a guy in my Psych class who loves Kierkegaard. It's... uncanny.
Hayley said…
I wanted to comment on this post because it resonates with me, but I had no words for what I wanted to say.

Clearly this did not stop me from commenting anyway.

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