This blog is not updated often enough. This blog often has typos in it because I post too quickly. If you follow it, you won't be bothered too often.

Some familiar thoughts

What have I been doing this week? I've been wasting my time! I've been so stupid! So un-alive. Selfish. I can see and feel the selfishness within me this week. And the resulting boredom. I think evil must be very prosaic and the truth deeply poetical. God is full of beauty and meaning, goodness and truth all together and whole. Evil is fractured monism, boring, ugly. Empty.

I need to wake up. Pay attention, watch, listen. Be where I am. "Love everyone. Forgive." I long now for the union which is faith. To walk in the light, close to my God, with my God. And in that I both hope for the future and strive for the present.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I think it is also its end. I've been meaning to think about Gratitude. Perhaps the end of wisdom is gratitude. Every good and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of lights in whom there is no shadow due to change. Gratefulness is our praise in Grace and everlasting long-suffering mercy. God's forgiveness endures forever. Wrapping us in him, hiding the multitude of our sins; we are so very, very blessed to be his.

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Driving is conducive to interesting thoughts.

It's time for me to Blog.

1 Newbury Comics makes me think of Mrs. Hutchins. She hates it. Not without reason either. There's a lot of vulgar and lousy stuff in there, but they've got a wonderful music collection, and cool employees. A few weeks ago I went in there to buy Death Cab for Cutie's new album Codes and Keys and got an impromptu review from the cashier. She's not personally a fan, but she thought it was pretty good anyway.

Today I went in to possibly get a good deal on some used Stars albums but I struck out. I wandered over to Bright Eyes to see if they had "Lifted" and unexpectedly found his new album The People's Keys. All of these details are completely unnecessary, I know. Pith is not my strong suit.

The same cashier (now sporting short bright green hair) told me that, while she isn't a Bright Eyes fan really, she really liked this album. I appreciate her volunteering this information. It's nice to hear what people think of music you're listening to. But at the same time - what is she a fan of? Perhaps she's so incredibly indie that she doesn't actually have any favorite bands but works in a music shops and listens to everything rather non-commitally.

Regardless, it wasn't until I got back in the car and was on the way to the Worcester Library to check out a copy of Chuck Klosterman's Eating the Dinosaur that I realized a good reply. While I'm not really a neon colored hair fan, I like yours. (It was true, she worked it, yo!)

2 While I was driving on route nine in the pouring rain, I passed a man walking up a hill with his bicycle. I considered stopping and offering him a ride, but by the time I had thought it through I was too far past him and I pushed the thought from my mind (this is a thought I have often).

Later, after going in and out of Newbury Comics I was coming down the same road, down a big hill. All the cars up ahead were virtually stopped, and there was a cop car pulled off to the side of the road. When it was my turn to rubber-neck past the cop car I saw the biker lying on the ground with a cop and a woman standing over him. Naturally I wondered: what if I had picked him up? Was I partially responsible for this accident? I didn't really think so - but if I was, I would be regardless of whether or not I had thought of stopping.

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May 28th

There is this damn reader

who keeps on jotting down notes
in the book of Billy Collins poetry
that I am reading.

"Slow down, take your time?"
"The importance of books, knowledge."

I wish that I could find
this insightful little twerp
and snap in half that
finely sharpened pencil of his,
or perhaps write on him with it:

"Desperate to comprehend - 'understand' "

But suppose he began reading
this poem and left it completely blank,
untouched, nothing underlined,
no arrows or notes, not one single
misguided comment to clutter up
the margins with - Ha! just like him
to disregard my work like that!

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The First Poem

"I've been avoiding you all day, you know."
The poem gives me a look
as if to say, "so have I."

It hasn't made it any easier in the end,
so I distract myself by watching a hawk
that has just landed on the rooftop
next to mine. He's sizing me up, too.
The hawk, not the poem.
He seems disturbed,
as if this is his row of rooftops
and I have no business being here
in the late afternoon. Especially
being dressed as I am,
in sweatpants and a pajama shirt.
Most uncivilized, he seems to say
as he flies away on the snobby
tips of his wings, his majestic
feathers fluttering in the cool breeze.

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Upon Seeing A Yellow-Flowered Tree in Spring - A Gogyokha

I behold a wondrous thing.
I, a becomer
meeting a becoming.
A beauty that forces itself upon me
and makes fearsome demands of me.

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Strengthening in The Inner Being

I have not "blogged" in so long, it is a disgrace. Hum . . . I have my thought swirling in my head and I know I will not be able to write this as I want to, but I shall have to do my best.

The truth is, my dear, dear, friends, I have been very discouraged of late. But as I speak, and think, and try to explain to other people, I understand how foolish my discouragement is. Still, I have felt discouraged, unworthy, empty. But Oh! have I forgotten that I am to be filled not with myself but with the Holy Spirit? That I do not have to be worthy!?
Still, I have felt a heavy weight upon me, a weight of my inadequacy, my failure to to trust in God, my failure to be holy.

"Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." (Phil. 2:12-13)

I feel the relief of being embraced by God, a deep sigh of trusting, and being held. But this rest is a work, and to rest in God is not to be stagnant but to be freed to let God work in me. And being sanctified is hard. But my contentment may return when I am able (by his grace) to trust in Him.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith -that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesian 3:14-19)

Ah! The fullness of God! How I crave it with a selfish compulsion! My "inner being" has lacked this strengthening these past weeks. My pride (expressed in seeing my own inadequacy) has taken my eyes off of God, and turned everything inward to me. This evening, I have preached to myself (and been ministered to by the Lord), and I feel a quietude restored. Rest.

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My Thematic.

Faith. The highest passion (Born of love?)

Virtue of the absurd.
Lose abstraction, Michael
forget philosophy. Have faith.
To have faith in action is a thrill, mixed with terror,
to have faith in inaction is dread.
A three days journey,
spent in silence,
extended to eternity.
Time cannot express the road to Mount Moriah,
and a day must have been a thousand years.
To wait in faith feels endless.
But the Lord does not disappoint.

I will expect a hot meal
and find none,
and yet not be put to shame.

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